Someone Knew; Colorado Movie Theater Shootings Are Not About Gun Control.

Apparently a 24 year old graduate school drop out identified as James Holmes burst threw exit doors at a Colorado movie theater and began shooting patrons.  Information remains elusive as to exactly what took place but I believe it isn't too early to talk about future prevention possibilities given the nature and scope of  this tragedy.

Random acts of this type of violence are unfortunately not new.  Norway was the recent site of another, even larger violent act by a lone individual.  Stopping these acts of violence before they occur is obviously a high priority but limited resources and our American way of life are crucial variables in the equation.  As a police psychologist with 14 years experience I can tell you we do a great job apprehending criminals and solving all sorts of crime after the fact but there is little we can do proactively to stop violence before it happens.  We have limited resources as far as actual numbers of police officers go and the level of public restriction required, even if we did have the numbers of officers needed, would be paralyzing.

I can tell you from experience however that very few people capable of committing these types of acts are totally unknown.  Someone always knows these people and knows about their behavior.  The question is what do they do about it and who do they communicate it too.

5 Stages of An Active Shooter  Police One

Our mental health laws prohibit the active sharing of relevant information and often work against successfully finding and intervening with these folks.  Virgina Tech is but one of dozens of examples.  The fact is that our mental health system is broken and it operates on policies and procedures that protect the interests of the mentally ill to a far greater degree than it protects society at large.  Until major changes are made we can expect more of these horrific acts.

In the Village I work in we actively look for impaired folks and make sure they are receiving the help they need.  This week alone we forcibly took two separate individuals for the health care they needed.  In the process a loaded handgun was removed from one and 40 some additional weapons were eventually removed from his home; all legally obtained and stored.

Until such time as we fix the mental health system and make policies serve the needs of the mentally ill as well as society at large we will have more tragedy.  In the two cases I spoke of above people knew and spoke up.  They may have waited a bit longer than I would have liked but they did speak up and a crisis was averted.

It's time for people to trust their local law enforcement professionals to handle these situations proactively and not to wait until we have to clean it up after the fact.  Parents, schools, friends and others can no longer turn a blind eye to or hide in denial from people they know who need help.  If you see something, say something.  It's that simple.

Yes You Can Play; Being "Part of And Belonging" Changes The Context.

The recent loss of life in Northbrook by current and former Glenbrook North students Billy Garrity, Ryan McCarthy and Kyle Caraher (among others) has cast a pall over the Community.  So much so that a special program was held at GBN on July 11th titled "Tools for Coping: Helping Northbrook and Glenview Families Deal with Sudden Losses."  I support the Community's effort but I remain skeptical and concerned that it falls within the "too little, too late" category of reaction as opposed to proactive prevention.  Allow me to explain.

I often try to look at things from the perspective of an adolescent and, as a parent.  The first perspective is why I chose the profession I am in and the second is a role I've occupied for 25 years.  What I wanted was the truth but what I received was appearance.  The truth is that there were other tragic deaths within this time period that most of the kids knew about but the deaths weren't out in the open so to speak.  One was in the obituaries and one wasn't.  Families have the right to privacy so I won't cross that line here but the kids knew and know so the message is already clouded in their minds.

As a parent I also wanted to know what, if anything, could be done on a community level to support my efforts.  There was mention of a "coming together" (I'm paraphrasing here) and an email by Northbrook Village President Sandi Frum in which she was quoted as writing ""The Coping With Loss event is just a beginning," Frum wrote. "Northbrook can and will recover from this."  I know Sandi and I know she means it and makes situations this like this a priority.  But what I also heard was the tired rhetoric about depression and adolescents as well as some quote suggesting that 1 in 10 High School students have attempted suicide within the last year.  As a scientist I'm skeptical of these types of statistics and you should be too.

In any event what I didn't hear about was much of anything to do with the context of suicide or the environment that our young people grow up in.  As a parent and former Glenview/Northbrook adolescent, that is where the heart of this matter resides.  As an individual of any age, what is my role and where do I fit in?  Do I belong and am I part of the "right" groups or am I simply fringe; accepted by some but outcast by others?  Or maybe even worse, do I not fit in and just float aimlessly within the Community?

The heart of the matter here in the Northbrook Glenview area , as it is in Lake Forest or Barrington before that, is do I belong and am I part of?  Vivian Paley is a former kindergarten teacher who had an idea and acted on it.  In her book, "You can't say, you can't play" she discusses what happened in her classroom and on the playground when everyone was welcome to be part of the social fabric and no one could be left out.

PBS - The Cruelty of Children.  11 enlightening minutes. 

The issue on the North Shore is and perhaps always will be appearance.  My house, my car, my clothes, my job, my attractiveness, my club, etc (in relation to others of course).  Where do I fit in the pecking order?  Or perhaps more directly, where don't I fit in?  If we are to alter the statistics on suicide and mental health in general, diversity has to be more than a word.  We have to say that you can play and that everyone can play.  Acceptance and tolerance have to be more than the subject of a sermon repeated ad nausea by our religious leaders in hopes that someday we will actually understand and practice it.

At this point, if you don't fully understand, let me tell you where to observe it in action.  For as long as I can remember Ron or Bruce (among others) have stood at or near the entrance of Sunset foods and personally welcomed shoppers; all shoppers.  The result is a feeling of belonging and being part of the Sunset Foods shopping experience.  You'll see it in action after Church in almost all of the entry ways where, as people depart, the Priest, Rabbi or Minister is there to greet you and to thank you for coming.  Translation - We want you here and are glad you came.

In our schools, park district programs and other public entities, this is not the case.  If you are not among the privileged "in group" or you don't excel in some fashion, you simply are present.  Worse, if you tend to squirm in your seat, get bored with the same old "talk at you" learning model, or aren't athletically inclined, you are ostracized.  In both Northbrook and Glenview, in almost every social entity there are those who are welcome and those who are not.  It is subtle but it is apparent and it is way too strong.  It needs to change and everyone needs to be welcome to play.

If, at this point, your response is yes but..... then I fear you'll continue to maintain the current status quo.  If your response is I agree and it just seems so hopeless......, then we have a chance.  Both Northbrook and Glenview are sincerely concerned about Village cohesiveness and a positive sense of Community.  Support their efforts by attending their commission meetings and be part of their efforts to turn diversity into a positive resource.  Much can and needs to be done.  The glass is half full now and can be even fuller with openness and honesty regarding our real Community ills as well as strengths.  Make these communities where kids and adults feel part of and have a real sense of belonging.

Can You Talk About Death?

The past 4 weeks have been full of tragedy in the Community of Northbrook Illinois.  3 Young men, Billy Garrity, Ryan McCarthy and Kyle Caraher all lost their lives; all too young.  If I use the number of views on this blog as an indication (over 8000) and the times those views occurred, it becomes clear that people have an extreme interest in information at or close too the time of the death.  As the hours and days march on, interest wanes.  One of the problems with this is that those affected most by these losses travel an opposite trajectory.   

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, as a young psychiatric intern, took it upon herself to talk with individuals in the Hospital who were dying as well as family members.  What she then identified is what she termed the stages of death and dying (link).  It was her belief that the stages were;

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Dr. Ross believed that people moved through these stages in coming to a resolution of the loss.  It should be noted that not all people move through all stages or that they move through each stage in progression but we are fairly confident the process starts with denial and can end with acceptance.  Over the years these stages of death have come to be known as the grieving process and that those who are aware of their imminent death (In hospice, etc.) and those dealing with someone's death, both go through this process.

The main vehicle for moving through this process is to actively discuss the death.  This is vital to the person dying and to the people left behind.  Without going into all possible scenario's I'll just say that those who suffer a loss through death need the opportunity to talk about it.  The sad fact though is that most of us don't feel comfortable doing so and that leaves very few people to talk with, especially as the weeks and months march on.  Perhaps we never learn to do this?  Often it is discouraged by the well meaning but uniformed in some attempt to keep others from emotional pain.

What I can tell you from experience is this.  People who have lost loved ones welcome every sincere opportunity to talk about it, especially as time marches on and others begin to forget.  They are hurt by well meaning friends who suddenly avoid them out of fear of not knowing what to say.  Sure kids and adults are somewhat different in this aspect as in their when and where's of wanting to discuss it but they do want to discuss it.

When someone close to you loses a family member or close friend make it a point to ask how they are.  Express your regret that it happened and ask if you can do anything to help.  Most likely just listening is the biggest gesture you can make.  In doing so, over time, you'll notice your own comfort level growing regarding the subject of death as well as a new appreciation for life.  Don't run from these discussions and don't run from the people who have suffered these losses.  Learn to talk about death and use these times of tragedy to everyone's advantage.

Is There Purpose In Needless Suffering?

St. Norbert's, GBN and the entire Northbrook Community suffered another loss tonight with the tragic death of Kyle Caraher in a car accident.  I think the words of Terri Luc on a social media post say it best "to all northbrook teenagers. you are so loved. three in three weeks - unthinkable. God God please watch over all our families. God bless the families who have lost loved ones."

What this horrific accident brought to my mind was the concept of needless suffering.  Viktor Frankle, a Jewish Psychiatrist and death camp survivor wrote extensively about needless suffering and whether or not there was some purpose in it.  I'll keep things short here and just say that Dr. Frankle believed, based upon his experiences in the Holocaust,  that there was purpose in suffering and the way people found it was by facing it head on and working through it.  He certainly found it in his life.

It's seems too much to ask of our children that they feel this type of pain and victimization (yes, victimization) but what I saw tonight refreshed my hope and belief in humans and their capacity to overcome and move forward regardless of age or experience or amount of suffering.

What I saw tonight was Fr. Bob (Pastor of St, Nortbert's) and his staff  Maggie, Mona and Fr. Francis (among countless others) face this suffering head on with an overflowing crowd of teens and their parents.  I believe people will find purpose in all this pain and they will move forward.  The meaning will be individualistic based upon each persons relationship with Kyle, Ryan or Billy but people will find it.  There will be pain but there also will be development, growth and strength.  Northbrook should be very proud of the support and togetherness that I witnessed tonight and in the coming days and weeks I believe you will see it too.

PBS - The Cruelty of Children.  11 Enlightening minutes.

Link to details of the accident as reported by the County Sheriff 

Talking About Death, Can You Do It?

Helping Adolescents and Young Adults Learn to Grieve

It occurred to me that tomorrow and Tuesday are going to be particularly hard for many people and also on the young adults who attend the wake (Mon 4 pm to 8 pm) and funeral (Tues at 10 am) at St. Norbert's for Ryan McCarthy.  Back in the mid 90's I was blessed to be a part of the development of the Ministry of Bereavement at St. Norbert's.  I recall much of the pain I witnessed and how out of place large numbers of young adults looked at wakes where more often than not, it was older and perhaps wiser adults who came to offer support and condolences to family members hit by the loss of a loved one.

I happened to be at Mass on the morning of Billy Garrity's funeral.  I remember walking in to the main vestibule about 815 and saw two young adults dressed very nicely and holding coffee cups.  As Mass ended the walk back out of Church was more of a maze than normal with all the young people who came early.  I know many of the older folks who attend wakes and funerals are far too used to it and have already learned about grief.  The young adults are another story.  After all not many of us are ever willing to talk about loss trough death.  Learning how to grieve is an experiential learning that only happens around the time of death.  With that in mind I wanted to write a short bit about how to grieve.  Maybe a young adult will read this or you can pass some of the idea's along?

I like the acronym TEARS to describe what people do most often that is helpful.  Grief is both a feeling and a process.  It hurts like hell and scares the heck out of people....the emotion runs very strong.  Needless to say many opt to try and run from it; either through medication or denial....often both.  The goal of the grieving process is to go from a relationship of presence with the loved/lost, to a relationship of memory.  Instead of "this is how things are," it's "this is how things were."  The method to get there is TEARS;

T = Trying hard to accept the reality of the loss.

E = Experience the pain of the loss.  Don't block it off.

A = Adjust to the environment without the person.  A very hard process that requires living.

R = Reinvest in the new reality.  Love again and continue to connect with others.

S = Seek support of others.  Mention how you feel to others.

Tomorrow and Tuesday, if you attend the wake and funeral Mass, take the time to speak with others.  Be open, be honest and be willing to state how you really feel.  The USA is the only Country who advertises in the paper for people to come and support the family and friends at the time of a loss through death.  It's how things are supposed to work.  We come together to support each other and to celebrate the life of the individual lost.  It's hard, uncomfortable and frightening.  The effect though is very comforting.

And for you adults who aren't too comfortable around large groups of kids, here's your chance to learn tolerance at an even deeper level.  They will really need your support too.

Todays Word is Postvention; Picking Up The Pieces.

The Northbrook Community was recently blindsided (actually victimized in a very real sense) by the deaths of two* young adults at their own hands these past few weeks.  Billy Garrity and Ryan McCarthy both had significant ties in the community and their loss has been felt in a very significant way by both family and the larger community.

I've had several individuals make contact with me to ask about what can be done to try and ensure somehow that there are no more deaths of young adults at their own hands.  My response has been what's termed "Postvention" activities.  The term appears to have been coined by folks in New Hampshire when they created a community response system for just such events.  I apologize to the real wordsmith if it isn't the New Hampshire folks but my research of the term led only to them.

Postvention activities involve a sharing of relevant information regarding suicide and help and support for those grieving in the aftermath of these types of action.  The reason postvention activities are so important is that people who personally know folks who have taken their life are at a statistically higher risk themselves for the same action.  And while the CDC does acknowledge contagion as rare, if it hits, it hits young people more.  Therefore postvention activities serve to possibly reduce contagion and therefore reduce risk of additional loss of life.

Postvention activities can involve almost any type of experiential learning as long as it includes factual information regarding what happened, why those choices were wrong and how survivors/victims can grieve and move forward.  Normally those with standing in the community take the lead in providing activities such as Churches, Social Service agencies and local Government.  I've purposely left out schools as they typically don't reach all segments of the community and it's too easy to always suggest the issue is theirs when it isn't; the Medicine is the Community as a whole.

*Some information exists that perhaps the number is actually 3.  I have been unable to confirm the possible third former student but word is it happened within the past 4 weeks or so.  I expect the press to track that issue down fairly quickly.

Creating Social Change; Lets Start Now.

Recently Billy Garrity and Ryan McCarthy of Northbrook chose to take their life.  These were decisions that both would take back if they could.  As you read this you know that many people would have given almost anything to have helped them to choose another option or to have simply changed their minds.

Research tells us that publicly posting the names of people who have done something important is likely to get others to join in on that path.  As crazy as it sounds the more people we get taking action to help stop people from ending their life, chances are that less people will do so.  We are also likely to connect with those that might be thinking about suicide.  You can help, we all  can.  Lets change some minds

What I'm asking here is for you to talk with your children and your friends about why suicide is not an answer and then sign the petition below, indicating you have done your part.  No meeting to attend, no time to try and find.  Just a few keystrokes and a conversation or two can make all the difference in the world.  Together we can make a difference and help Northbrook kids feel more connected.

Everyone who reads this should sign the petition.

Change.org|Online Petition Template